I have to warn you, this post is not G-rated.
I hate to tell you this, but I’m afraid I’m not good enough to be a writer on this blog. I am also afraid I’m not good enough to run a children’s ministry of a rather large church. I am extremely afraid that my husband will wake up one day and realize he can do better. I am afraid my kids are messed up for life because I kind of got thrown into this parenting thing with no clear set of rules to follow. There are so many things I’m afraid of.
My name is Jamie and, yes, I struggle with fear (probably now more than ever).
I thought it would get better with age, but as it turns out, the older I get, the more I realize just how much can go wrong. I realize the impact of every word I say. I realize how short our lives are and how few chances we have to get it right.
I also realize there is a devil out there and he is roaming around seeking someone to devour. I’m convinced it’s not solely our flesh he longs to devour. It’s our minds. He longs to get in there and rearrange every word of truth God ever said to us. He knows if he can make me doubt my wonderful creator and king, then he can create a spirit of fear that will disable me and keep me from accomplishing God’s mighty plan for my life.
I turned 41 years old last month. I am “mom” to two adult children, mentor to several. I am “Aunt Jamie” to two beautiful nieces and three awesome nephews. I am “Mimi” to four amazing kids and a godmother to half a dozen more. I also get to pour into an average of 150 kids per week at my church. I take personal responsibility for the discipleship of the six kids in my church connect group, and this one very special little girl that hangs out with me on Wednesday nights.
Y’all, I am scared!
Working with children is hard. You hear some things sometimes you just wish you could unhear. For the most part, kids will just tell it like it is. She will let you know when daddy screamed at mommy. He will let you know when mommy punched him with a fist. She will tell you about that time the lady from DSS came and took them to stay at this person’s house they didn’t know. She will tell you about that time mommy was laying in the kitchen floor with no clothes on and she just wouldn’t wake her up. She will tell you about the time her foster mom beat her brother to death while she lay as still as could be in the bed next to him, too scared to say anything so she lay there all night long waiting for morning.
Sometimes these kids have questions and I don’t have the answers. Sometimes I have questions and no one has the answers. It’s hard and it’s scary.
There have been times I have lain in my bed and cried so hard I couldn’t breathe because I didn’t have the answers. There have been times that I have yelled at God, so mad that he wouldn’t take the hurt and the fear away.
Sometimes I let fear creep in. It comes like a snake in the grass. It sneaks up on me and catches me off guard. It sends me down a rabbit trail of “what it’s.”
But then I remember:
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV).
I believe the key to conquering fear is found in this verse. I believe it is found in love and in a sound mind. It sounds simple, right? But what does all of that really look like?
For today I will love every single kid that God places in my path. Meanwhile I will learn all I can about how to pursue a sound mind. I can’t wait to share what I find with you in Friday’s post. I pray you have a fearless week!